爱无能.docx
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爱无能.docx
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爱无能
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Privatelives
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I'dliketosettledown,butdon'tseem tobeabletofallinlove
I'm34andhaven'tlovedanyonesincemyfirstgirlfriendat18
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I'dliketosettledown,butdon'tseem tobeabletofallinlove
Thisarticlewaspublishedonguardian.co.ukat21.00GMTonSunday18March2012.Aversionappearedonp15oftheG2sectionoftheGuardianonMonday19March2012.Itwaslastmodifiedat00.05GMTonMonday19March2012.
Iama34-year-oldmanwhowantstofallinloveandsettledownbutseemsunableto.I'vehadrelationships(thelongestwasthreeyears)withwomenI'vebeenfondofandwithwhomI'vehadgreatsex,butIhaven'tlovedanyonesincemyfirstgirlfriendat18.Ifeelexcitedasrelationshipsbegin,butthenbecomeanxiousanddisconnected,andsplitupwiththem.After,Ifeellove,butitistoolate,andisitreal?
IseefriendsgettingmarriedandwishIcouldbelikethem,butcan'timaginefeelingstronglyenough.Ican'tseeanyreasonsformydefects:
I comefromalovingfamilyandlifehasbeengood,thoughI'moftenanxiousandhavelowself-esteem.IwanttosortmyselfoutsoIcancommittosomeone.
窗体顶端
∙sadiefinn
19March2012
∙LoveAfterLove
Thetimewillcome
when,withelation
youwillgreetyourselfarriving
atyourowndoor,inyourownmirror
andeachwillsmileattheother'swelcome,
andsay,sithere.Eat.
Youwillloveagainthestrangerwhowasyourself.
Givewine.Givebread.Givebackyourheart
toitself,tothestrangerwhohaslovedyou
allyourlife,whomyouignored
foranother,whoknowsyoubyheart.
Takedownthelovelettersfromthebookshelf,
thephotographs,thedesperatenotes,
peelyourownimagefromthemirror.
Sit.Feastonyourlife.
窗体底端
∙
MarmaladeQueen18March201211:
30PM
Yousoundveryhardonyourself,thewayyourefertoyour"defects"andtalkaboutlowself-esteemMaybeyouhavegotunresolvedissuesfromyourfirstrelationship...ormaybeyou'reabsolutelyfinebutyoujusthaven'tmettherightpersonyet.Icanseehowharditistowatchyourfriendssettlingdownwhileyouhaven'tyetfoundsomeoneyoucanfallinlovewith.
Youdon'thavemuchtolosefromgoingtoseeagoodcounsellor.Maybeinasupportive,non-judgementalcounsellingsituationyoucanexploreyourfeelingsaboutthatfirstrelationship,andtrytounderstandwhat'sbeenhappeninginsubsequentrelationships.Wealldeveloppatternsasawayofcoping,andsometimesthosepatternshaveoutlivedtheirusefulnessandneedtobediscarded.
Whateveryoudecidetodo,Ihopeitworksoutforyou.
∙mrsmooseface
19March201212:
06AM
By'love'doyoumeanthatswoopingsenseofpassionanddespairthathitswhenyourealiseyouwanttobewithsomeone?
That"inlove"feelingtendstohappenwhenthingsaregoingbadly,orwhenthereareobstaclesinthewayofastablerelationship.
Whatyoufeeldaytodayinagood,happyandsettledlovingrelationshipisnothinglikethatexciting.Perhapsthat'swhyallthenovelsandsongsfocusonhowitfeelswhenthingsaretough.Butthefeelingsthatpopupwhentheotherpersonisunexpectedlyabsent,orwhenyoumakeanimportantdecisiontogether,cantellyouwhetheryouhavereallongtermlove.Ifsomeonestillmakesyoulaughafterseveralyearsofthesamejokes;ifyou'renotboredbybeingaroundthemfordays;ifyoufindyourselfthinkingabouthowgreattheyare.
Butifyouhavefoundallthisandyou'restillnothappy,somethingabouttherestofyourlifecouldneedsortingout.Maybeitwouldbeworthspendingtimeonwhatwouldmakeyouhappyinlife,andhowyouwouldlikeapartnertohelpyougetit.
∙Leconfidant
19March201212:
17AM
There'saplatitudethatifyoulovesomething,letitgoandifitcomesbacktoyou,thenit'syoursandifitdoesn'tcometoyou,itwasn'tmeantto.Wealwaysgroanwhenwehearit,butit'sverytrue.It'salsoverytrueofloveitself.
Isayforgetaboutit.Somepeoplejustdon'tfallinlove.IthinkBjorkneverfellinloveuntilshewaswellintoherfortiesandafterthatshefellinlovealot.Personally,IusedtofallinloveallthetimeandIdon'tanymoreandtobehonestIdon'treallymissit.There'salotmoregoingoninlifethanboy-meets-girl.
Loveisnotagoal.Itisadesire.Oneofthebestwaysofnotgettingwhatyouwantisnotknowingwhatyouwant,becauseyou'retoobusywantingwhatotherpeoplewant.Pursuingyourownpassionsforyourownpurposesis,tomymind,waymorelikelytoresultinhappinessandromancethan,'learninglove',whateverthatis.
∙Ilovedogfood
19March20121:
59AM
Untilyoucanbecomfortablewithwhoyouare,youwillnotbesettled,partnerornot.Thegoodnewsisthatlowselfesteemandanxietyaretreatable(Iknow).Ithinkalsoyoumightbeself-sabotaging,whichwouldreinforcetheLSE.Asforyourdefects...you'renormal.
Atraditionalrelationshipsetupmaynotberightforyou.Youmightevenhaveabettertimeasahappysingle.Knowthough,thattherightpersonandscenariocouldturnupatanytime.Youjustneverknowandthereisnopointworryingaboutsomethingyoucan'tcontrol.
∙alansokalwasright
19March20122:
53AM
Beinginloveisadistinctphysiologicalstatewhichlastsamaximumof18to24months,inwhichthebrainisfloodedwithchemicalswhichmakeyouthinkobsessivelyandidealisticallyaboutyourpartner.Essentially,youarehighonadrugwhichmakesyoubondmuchmorequicklyandmoreintenselywithyourpartner,andwhichofcoursefeelsgood,likealldrughighs.
However,afterthisdrugwearsoff,longtermrelationshipsbecome'normal'again,andyouhavetodecidewhethertosettledownwiththeperson,justasyoudowithanarrangedmarriage,oramarriageof'convenience'.Theinitialchemicalsmaymakeiteasiertobondatthebeginning,buttheyareneithernecessarynorsufficientforasuccessfullong-termrelationship.
Infact,theymaycloudyourjudgement.Youmayevenendupinalongtermrelationshipwithareallynasty,maliciousperson,butnotrealiseitforyearsbecauseoftheeffectsoftheinitialperiodofbeinginlove.Thisiswhathappenedtome,andIdeeplyregretthewholerelationshipeverhappened.
Sonotfallinginlovemaybeablessing,ratherthanacurse.Youcanstillsettledownwithsomeone,butyoucanmakethedecisionwithabitmoreobjectivity.Areyoucompatibleintermsofpersonality?
Whatisherfamilylike?
Hassheeverliedsystematicallytoyouoranyoneelse,orcheatedonanyone?
Etcetc.Whenyou'reinlovewithsomeone,youtendtoignoremanyofthesequestionsandsimplyidealisetheperson.
Ihaveseveralfriendswhohaveneverbeeninlove,buthaveformedlovingandmeaningfullong-termrelationships--andaftermytraumaticexperience,IamnotsureIwilleverallowmyselftofallinloveagaineither.Ifyouwanttosettledown,justgoforit,andforgetaboutshort-livedchemicalhighs.
∙Keyboardaddictagain
19March20123:
11AM
IfIsatyoudownandaskedyoutodescribelovetome,whatwouldyousay?
IfIaskedyouthedifferencebetweenloveandfondness,howwouldanswer?
?
IsaythissimplybecauseIwonderwhethertheloveyoufeltforyourfirstgirlfriend,whilewonderfulandintense,waspartlyduetothehormonalpartyinyourbodyasateenager,wherenow,olderwiserandwithhormonesundercontrol,loveisn'ttheintensefeelingitoncewas?
?
YoudoseemundulyharshonyourselfandrefertodefectswhereIwouldsaytherearenone-andperhapsyourselfjudgementispartofyouranxiety?
I'dsayasessionortwowithatherapist-orevenatrustworthyfriend-couldhelpyouidentifywhatlovereallymeanstoyou,howyoudefineitandhowyouwillrecogniseitinfuture.
∙
ferrywoman
19March20127:
28AM
Theproblemmaybethatyouconfuseloveandlustandareunabletothinkclearlyaboutyourdesireforlove.Althoughyoucomefromalovingfamilyyourlowself-esteemsuggeststhatyouarenotconvincedthatyouareloveable-possiblybecauseyourparentsdidnotknowhowtoloveyouandgiveyouastrongsenseofself-worth.
LikeyouIhavealwaysfeltmychildhoodwasloving.Atyourageitneveroccurredtometoblamemyparentsformydifficulties.Imarriedlateinlifeandhavenowfoundtheclosenessandaffectionthatwasmissinginmychildhood.ItisonlynowthatIcanseetheproblemsthatmyparentshadincommunicatingtheirlovingfeelings.However,IaccepttheirlimitationsasparentsbecauseIamveryhappywithmylifenowandrecognisethattheywerebasicallygoodparents.
BothmybrotherandIsoughttherapyinthepastwhenweweregoingthroughparticulardifficulties.InmycasetheoutcomewasthatIlaterfellinlove-butmybrotherwhoisnowinhissixtieshasnevermarriedandseemshappytobesingle.
∙msmlee
19March20123:
54AM
After,Ifeellove,butitistoolate,andisitreal?
No,itisn'treal,andwhatyoufeltwasn't"love",butalingeringsenseofattractionandlonging.Infact,youhavealreadyansweredthisquestionyourselfwhenyousaid,"Ihaven'tlovedanyonesincemyfirstgirlfriendat18."
Thewomenyouhadbeenwithsinceyourfirstgirlfriendprovidedyouwithcompanionship,andyoulikedthemwellenough.Butitwasn'tlove.Theredoesn'tseemtohavebeenasensethatyoucaredabouttheseotherwomenasuniqueindividualsinthewaythatyousaw,andstillsee,yourfirstgirlfriend.
Sheclearlywasspecialtoyou,andmaybeyoualsoseeyouryoungerselfinamuchmorepositiveandidealisticlightthanyouseeyour34-year-oldselfnow,whichimbuedthatfirstrelationshipwithanostalgiclightthatnosubsequentromanticrelationshipcou
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