South Park801.docx
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South Park801.docx
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SouthPark801
SouthPark
8.01-GoodTimesWithWeapons
[ParkCountyFair,day.SouthParkismorespreadoutthesedays.Lookinglikeasmallcitynow.Peoplemillaround.Theboyswalkalongafairway.CartmanpullsoutasmallfirecrackerandtossesitonthegroundbeforeKyleandcacklessoftly]
Kyle:
[stopssohedoesn'tgethurtandglares]Stopit,Cartman!
Cartman:
Pfaha,sofunny.[pullsoutanotherfirecracker,tossesitbeforeKyle,andcackles]
Kyle:
[stops]GoddamnitCartman,stopethrowin'thosestupidpoppingthingsatme!
[Cartmancacklessomemore.Theboysapproachabooth:
Roger'sEdge]
Roger:
Comeonandtakealook,folks.We'vegotalotofknivesforsalehere.[Stanstopsbeforeatable,"WeaponsofAsia,"andmarvelsattheweaponsdisplayedthere.]
Stan:
OhmyGod,look!
[theotherboysturnandwalkup]MartialartsweaponsfromtheFarEast.[thesignreads"MartialartsweaponsoftheFarEast"]
Kyle:
[softly]Wow,cool.
Stan:
Dude!
Weshouldeachbuyaweapon,andthenwe'llbelikeninjas.
Cartman:
Yeah.Wewon'thavetotakecrapfromanybody.
Kyle:
[turnsaway]Ourparentswon'tletushaveweapons,dude.[theothersturnaswell]
Cartman:
Who'sgonnatellthem,dumbass?
!
Stan:
Yeah,dude,ourparentsaregonnabeatthestupidfairalldaylong.They'llneverknowwhatwebought.[theboysturnbacktofacethetable]I'llgetthetonfas.[theylooklikethenightstickspoliceuse,butmadeofwood]Thosearesosweet.
Cartman:
I'mgonnagetthosekillersai.[swordswithhornsatthehilt.Cartmannoticesaweaponofftotheright]LookKenny!
There'ssomethingevenyoucanafford!
Aninjashuriken[ninjastar]foradollarninetynine.
Kenny:
(Shuriken.Awesome!
)
Roger:
[approaches]CanIhelpyouboys?
[theboysstepbackfromthetabletoseehim.]
Stan:
Yeah.Wewannagetoneofeachoftheseninjaweapons.
Roger:
Okay,uh,youneedtohaveyourparentsherewhenyoubuythem,though.I,Ican'tselltoanyoneundereighteenwithoutparents'permission.[theboyslookateachother]
Cartman:
Parents?
Parents?
?
[beginstofakeasob]OhGod!
[bawlsandturnsaway.]
Roger:
Uhwha,what'sthematter?
[Cartmanwails]
Stan:
We,we'rebrothers,see,andourparents...diedinacaraccidentlastyear.
Cartman:
Why?
!
[Stanbeginstosob,thencovershiseyes.Cartmanturnsaround]Why?
!
Whydidyouhavetotakethemboth?
!
Why!
[Kennybeginstosob]Why?
!
[Kyleobserveshisfriends,thenjoinstheminthesobbing]
Kyle:
Whydopeoplehavetokeepremindingusofwhatwedon'thave?
?
Roger:
[triestosoothethem]It'sallright,it'sallrightboys.Don'tcry,I'll...I'lljust...gopacktheseupforyou,okay?
[takesafewweaponsandleaves.Theboyscryabitmore,thenstop]
Stan:
Goddamn,that'slikethetwelfthtimethat'sworked.
[Cartman'shouse,momentslater.Theboysareinhisbasementmasteringtheirnewweapons.Eachboygetstheweaponhewanted.Kylegetstheyellow-endednunchakus]
Stan:
[withhistonfa]Kiya!
Kiya!
Kyle:
Kaiiyo!
[oneendofhisnunchakuhitshishatafewtimes]
Cartman:
Giya!
Shutup,hippies!
I'llkillyou!
[lunges]Iya!
Stan:
[sweepsoneofhistonfaaroundandtransforms]WithmytonfaofTakanawa,IbecomethegreatandpowerfulninjaSharohachi,borntofightevilandpeopleIdon'tlike.
Kyle:
Yeah.AndmypowerfulnunchakusmakemeintoBounaku[hetransforms],adeadlybutcompassionateninjawhoprotectsthoseintrouble.
Stan:
What'syourninjaname,Kenny?
Kenny:
[alreadytransformed](unintelligible)
Cartman:
[alreadytransformed]Yes.AndI...amBulrog.Toughbruteninjawhohasdedicatedhislifetoeradicatingtheworldofhippies
Stan:
Allright,ninjas!
Let'sgoprotecttheworld!
Cartman:
Kickass!
[theboysheadout]
[Outside,theneighborhood.Theboyswalkoutontoanew,more-detailedlandscape]
Cartman:
Heyyouguys,youknowwhatweshoulddo?
WeshouldgoshowourweaponstoCraigandthoseguys.They'llbesojealous.
Kenny:
(Heyyeah,that'dbeawesome!
)
Kyle:
[cautions]Nodude,wecan'tgoaroundshowingourweaponstopeople.Ourparents'llfindoutwehavethem.
Cartman:
Ech!
Yousee,guys?
ThisiswhyJewscan'tbeninjas!
They'vegotnospine!
Kyle:
[thebackgroundisamotionblur]Youdon'tknowanythingaboutJews,fatass!
Cartman:
Ohyeah?
!
MymomtookmetoseeMelGibson'smovie,ThePassion,andMelGibsonsaysyouareaslothandyouarealiar.AndiftheRoadWarriorsaysit,itmustbetrue.
Stan:
Don'tworry,Kyle.Craig'snotgonnatellonus.Come,ninjas,let'sgo.[theywalkoffandapproachCraig'shouse,whichisdoneupinJapanesestyle.Stanstopsandwhispers]Allright,thisisit.
Cartman:
Yes.Theresidenceoftheonecalled...Craig.[theboysapproachquickly]
Kyle:
Istillsaythisisabadidea.
[Craig'shouse.Stanpoundsonthedoor]
Stan:
Ninjapositions!
[theboysgetintotheirfirstpositionsandCraigopensthedoor]Hello,Craig!
Cartman:
[showsoffhissai]Lookwhatwegot.
Craig:
Where'dyougetthose?
Stan:
Wecan'ttellyouwherewegot'em!
It'ssecretninjastuff.
Cartman:
[movespastStan]Oooh,isthatjealousyIseeinyoureyes,Craig?
Mmm,yes,drownmeinthesweetwaterofyourenvy.
Craig:
Uh,uh,they'renotthatcool.
Stan:
Hyeah,"they'renotthatcool."ThesearerealauthenticweaponsfromtheFarEast.
Kyle:
Butdon'ttellanybodywehavethem.
Cartman:
Ugh.
Token:
[appearswithClyde,behindCraig]Whoa!
Where'dyougetthose?
?
Clyde:
Letmesee.
Stan:
Uh,we'dlovetohangoutguys,butwehaveimportantsecretworktodo.[turnsandwalksaway]
Cartman:
Yes.Thelifeofaninjaiscomplexandfullofperil.[heandtheothertwoturnandwalkawayaswell]Comeon,ninjas!
All:
Ho!
[theytrotoff.Craigclosesthedoor]
[Ontheroad]
Cartman:
Homan,didyouseethelookonCraig'sface?
!
Thatwasawesome!
Stan:
Dude,we'relikethecoolestkidsinthewholestate!
[Buttersshowsupbeforethem]
Butters:
Huheyfellas.What'shappenin'?
Cartman:
We'replayingNinjas,Butters.
Butters:
Wowee!
Hey,canIplay,uhninjaswithyou?
Cartman:
No,Butters.Weareaveryselectelitefightingteamsenttoprotecttheworldfromevil,andyoucan'tplaywithus.
Stan:
Yeah,Butters.Youwouldn'tmakeaverygoodninja.Comeon,guys.[theboysturnandwalkoff]Wehavealotofworktodo.
Cartman:
Yes,andnotimetodoit.Notime...[Buttersstandsintheopenalone]
Butters:
IthinkI'dmakeareallygoodninja.[turnsrightandwalksofftowardshomedejected]Jeez,thoseguysneverletmeplaywiththem.Uhtheyjustshunmeallthetime.[opensthefrontdoorandenters]
[Butter'shouse.Hewalkspastbehindthecouch,wherehismomreadsabookunawareoftheemotioninhisvoice]
Butters:
I'malostsoul.Adarklonelyshadowofaperson-
Linda:
HiButters.
Butters:
HiMom.[walksupstairs]-acastaway,forcedtolivehislifeoutinsolitude.[entershisroomandheadsforthecloset]Andit'sbecauseoftimesliketheseIwasforcedtoalifeofevil.[entersthecloset]Societycastmeout,andsoIvowedtomakethemallpay!
Andpaytheydid!
Nobodyknowsthatbeneaththissweeteight-year-oldlittleboyliesthemostevil,themostdestructivesupervillainofalltime!
[oneswooshofhiscapeandhetransforms]ProfessorChaos!
[heholdshishandssomedistanceapartandaballofenergyappears.Thiselectrifieshiswholebody]Let'sseehowyoulikedealingwithme,ninjas!
[cackles.Nowtransformed,hemakeshiswaydownstairs.Thestairscrackunderhisweight.Hesmasheshisleftfistintothewall,leavingasmallcraterinit.Hismomlooksonfromthecouch]
Linda:
Oooh,Butters,areyougoingouttoplayagain?
Butters:
[inagravellyvoice]YeahMom,I'mjus'goin'outsideforalittlewhile.
Linda:
Well,couldyoubeasweetieandtakethatpieovertheretotheThomsons.Imadeittothankthemforbabysittingyoulastweek.
Butters:
Well,okay-okayMom.[seesthepieonthesmallendtablebythefootofthestairsandcarriesitoff]Bah!
Gah!
[inhismind,he'sbigandpowerful.Everystephetakesaffectsthehouse.Thefirstdislodgesthefamilyportrait,theseconddislodgesitmoer,thethirdknocksittotheground.Heopensthefrontdoor,goesoutandslamsitshot,knockingitoffitshinges]
[Ontheroad.Theboysareshownintheiranimeforms]
Stan:
Hm,thisdoesn'tseemtobetherightway.Myninjasenseistellingmewemightbeheadinginthewrongdirection.
Kyle:
Okay,hangonguys.I'llusemyspecialpowertoseeintothefutureandfindoutwhereweshouldheadnext.
Cartman:
Holdonyouguys.Iactuallyhaveanotherpower.Icanseeintothefuturetoo,butbetterthanKyle.Letmetryit.
Kyle:
Goddamnit,Cartman!
Youcan'tkeepmakingupnewpowers!
Stan:
Yeahdude,that'slikethefifthpoweryou'vecomeupwith!
Cartman:
IamBulrogandIhavelotsandlotsofpowers.
Kyle:
Noasshole!
FromnowonyouonlygettohaveONEpower!
Sowhatisit?
!
Cartman:
IhavethepowertohaveallthepowersIwant.
Kyle:
Thatdoesn'tcount,fatass!
Stan:
Yeah,thatit,Cartman!
Youdon'tgettohaveanypowers!
Cartman:
[protests]C'mon!
Butters:
Haaahahahaha!
[heappearswithenergybristlingallaroundhim]Wellwellwell!
Ifitisn'tthefourninjas!
Kyle:
Whothehellisthat?
?
Stan:
Idunno.Craig,isthatyou?
Butters:
[strikesagroundpose]Fools!
[jumpsintotheairandmoreenergysurgesfromhim.Afireballappearsbetweenhishands]IamProfessorChaos!
BringerofDestructionandDoom!
[closeup]Yourfeebleninjapowersarenomatchf
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