South Park802.docx
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South Park802.docx
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SouthPark802
SouthPark
8.02-UpTheDownSteroids
[Stan'sbackyard,day.Theboysareplayingthe"InvestigativeReportswithBillCurtis"gamewhenTimmyandJimmyarrive]
Jimmy:
Heyfellas.[theboysallturnandlook]
Stan:
OhheyJimmy,heyTimmy.
Timmy:
Timmy!
!
!
Jimmy:
[carriesabrochureunderhisrightarm]Sayfellas,JImmyandIwerewonderingifmaybeyouwouldcomeandcheerforusnextSssaturday.We'rebothcompetingintheSpecialOlympicsdowninDenver.
Cartman:
[approachesJimmy]TheSpecialOlympics?
What'ssospecialaboutthem?
Kyle:
They'reOlympicgamesforhandicappedpeople.
Cartman:
[snickers]Dude,what?
Jimmy:
[handsCartmanthebrochure]TimmyandIarecompetinginavarietyofevents.
Stan:
Yeahsure,we'llcomecheeryouandTimmyon.
Kyle:
Yeah,that'dbecool.
Jimmy:
Thanksalot,fellas.Well,wegottagetdowntothetrainingcenterandstartworkingout.Wordiswehavealotofssstiffcompetitionthisyear.
Kyle:
Wellallright,we'llseeyouonSaturday,guys.
Timmy:
Timmy!
!
!
[heandJimmywalkoff.]
Cartman:
Dude.Ican'tbelievetheyexploithandicappedpeoplelikethis.Imean,makingthemcompeteagainsteachotherjustforouramusement.[beat]
Kyle:
...You'reanasshole,Cartman.
Cartman:
What?
WhatdidIdo?
[DenverAthleticClub,Denver,day.]
WELCOMESPECIALOLYMPICSATHLETES!
[Inside,theathletesareworkingoutonavarietyofequipment.JimmyandTimmyareatabenchpress.JimmypressesweightsasTimmyspotshim.]
Jimmy:
...six!
...
Timmy:
Timmih.
Jimmy:
Usss-usss-seven!
Timmy:
Timmih.Timmih!
Jimmy:
Usss-usss-seven!
[oops]
Timmy:
Timmih!
Timmiiih!
Jimmy:
[getsbackoncount,butfalters]Ni-Ican'-Ican't!
[TimmyhelpsJimmyputtheweightsbackonthebarrest]Huff.Ohman.[sitsup]Geewhiz,Timmy.Itlookslikewehavesomepppprettystiffcompetitionthisyear.[anotherkidatanearbybenchpresslaughs]Allofthespecialathletesseemtobeintip-topcondition,andIcan'tevengetpastsevenru-reps.Huhhohwell,that'sitforme,Timmy.I'mp-p--p-pooped.I'llseeyouinthelockerroom.
Timmy:
Otimmih.[Jimmywalksaway]
Francis:
HeyJimmy,g-goodluckonSaturday.
Jimmy:
[turnsandlooks]Youtoo,Francis.[looksforwardandresumeswalking.Inadarkenedhallwaystandsabigathletewithanairofhauteurabouthim]
BigAthlete:
HeyJimmy.
Jimmy:
Ohheyhey,n-Nathan.
Nathan:
Souh,Iseeyoutrainprettyhard.
Jimmy:
[movesintothehallwayandfacesNathan]Yeah,itsureistough.I'mtrainingreallyhard,butI'mnotimprovingfastenough,andtheSpecialOlympicsarea...weekaway.
Nathan:
Wellll,maybeIcan-helpyouout.Youknow,thereareshortcuts.
Jimmy:
Whatkindofshortcuts?
Nathan:
Youknow.Steroids.
Jimmy:
S-s--ss-s-s-steroids?
[Nathansignalshimtobequiteasanotherhandicappedathletewalksby]...Butaren'tthoseillegal?
Nathan:
Yeah,sure,butthesearenew.Theydon'tshowupinoururinetests.
Jimmy:
Souh,ha-howdothey...w-wwork?
Nathan:
[holdsoutaprescriptionbottle]Youjusttakeoneoftheselittlebluebabies[holdsupthreefingers]threetimesaday[reachesintoafannypackandpullsoutasyringe]andinjectthisdirectlyintoyourbloodstream[holdsuptwofingers]twiceadaybeforemeals.
Jimmy:
Howmuchwouldthiscostme?
Nathan:
Ahhhitisn'tcheap.I'vegottakeepviceoffmybackandsecureshipmentsfromoverseas.
Jimmy:
[looksarounduneasily]Well...thenmaybeI'lljustusethema-al-littlebit.Youknow,asaper-formanceen...hancer.
Nathan:
Oh,whateveryousay,Jimmymyfriend.[stepscloser]Whateveryousay.[Jimmyreachesoutforthedrugs]
[Stan'shouse,frontyard.Theboysareplayingwithvarioustoybigrigs.Stanmovesagastruck,Kennyanambulance,Kyleatowtruck]
Cartman:
[rushesupwiththebrochure]YOUGUYS!
YOUGUYS!
Ihavethebestideaever!
I'mgonnaberich!
Kyle:
What?
Cartman:
Dude,IwasjustlookingattheSpecialOlympicsbrochure,andcheckthisshitout:
"AttheendoftheSpecialOlympics,aGrandChampionSpecialAthleteiscrownedandgivenacashprizeof$1000"[helooksathisfriendsashisjawdrops]
Stan:
So?
Cartman:
So?
?
Sodude,thinkaboutit.Ifsomebodyjustpretendedtobementallyhandicapped,theycouldeasilywinthecompetitionandgetthethousandbucks!
Kyle:
Ohno.Cartman,no!
Cartman:
It'sflawless!
I'llactlikeIhaveadisability,andwhenthetimecometocompeteI'llkickassagainstallthehandicappeds!
Stan:
That'sreally,reallyterrible,dude.
Cartman:
Terrible?
?
Whatever!
Youguys'sbrainsjustcan'tcomputecomplexplanslikeminecan!
It'llwork,you'llsee.[walksoff]
Kyle:
[movesandcatchesuptoCartman]Cartman!
IwillnotstandbyandletyoucheatyourwaytowinningtheSpecialOlympics!
Cartman:
Why?
Kyle:
Because!
[takesawaythebrochure]
Cartman:
Whatareyougonnado,Kyle?
Tellonme?
[pointsanaccusingfingerathim]Thenyou'llbeagreatbigno-gooddouble-facedpoopy-pantstattle-tale!
[lowersit]Isthatreallyhowyoudealwithyourproblems?
!
Growup,Kyle!
[turnsaroundandwalksoff.Kyleseethesinsilence.Cartmannowtalkstohimself]AllIhavetodoismakepeoplethinkI'mhandicapped,andIgetathousanddollars.Itwon'tbeeasy,butnothingworthhavingeveris.
[Amontage,tothetuneof"Scarface(PutItToTheLimit)"Cartmansitsathiscomputertypingaway.Onscreenarehisplansforlookinghandicapped,"WaystoAppearHandicapped."He'sthenatthelibraryporingoverpilesofbooks.Thelibrarianwheelsacartloadofbooksover,Cartmanpointstothespotatwhichtheyshouldbedroppedoff,andthelibrarianobliges.CartmanthenridestoschoolintheSpecialEdbus,takingnotesonthebehaviorofhandicappedstudents.Next,he'sinthebathroomathomecontortinghisfacethiswayandthat,thentakesmorenotes.Heleafsthroughanotherbookandtypesinmorenotesintohiscomputer,thenpourshimselfsomemorecoffee.Cartmangoestoaclothingstorelookingforill-fittingclothes.Hethencobblessomecustomsshoesforhimself.Hegoeshomeandtriesthemout.HegoestoaCGIstudioandputsonamotionsuitsohecanmakea3Dmodelofhimselfonacomputer.Hetakesthe3Dmodelhomeandmodifiesitonhisowncomputer:
"HandicappedWalkAnalysis."Hethengoesintothebathroomandcutsoffclumpsofhishairtolookasifhewereretarded.HegoestothelivingroomandlooksataKidRockvideoformoreinspirationandtakesnotes.Heputsonabicyclehelmetandpullshishairoutthroughtheholes.Heassemblesthevariouspartsofhishandicappedoutfitandputsiton.Hesquisheshisfaceupwardsforthefinishingtouchandtiesthehelmetstrapstogetherwellbelowhischin]
Cartman:
Darrrr.Durrrr.IwannabeintheSpecialOlympics.[loosensthechinstrapsandlowershisfacetonormal]Bull'seye!
[Jimmy'shouse,bedroom,night.Jimmyisathisbed.Hestrapsonastripofheavyrubberband,dabshisarmafewtimeswithalcohol,jabsthesyringeintohisarmandinjectssomeliquidssteroidsintohisarm.Heloosenstherubberbandandsomeoneknocksonhisdoor.Helooksaroundandjumpsoffhisbead]
Jimmy:
Oh!
Agh!
Just,justasecond!
[headsforhisdufflebagandhaulsittohisnightstand.Theknockisheardagain]
Dad:
Jimmy?
Jimmy:
[sweepsthesteroidsintothebag]Hangon,I'mI'm,coming.[rushestotheclosetandshovesthedufflebagin.]
Dad:
Jim,it'syourfather!
Jimmy:
[walkingtowardsthedoor]IsaidI'mcoming!
GivemeaGoddamneds-second!
[realizeshestillhasthesyringeinhismouth]Holdit.[andspitsitout.Heopensthedoorandseeshisfatherwithacupofcoffee.]
Dad:
Jimmy,wereyoumasturbating?
Jimmy:
Nn-no,Dad.
Dad:
Okay.Well,youhaveavisitor.[thecamerapansdowntoaprettygirl,whoenterstheroom]
Girl:
HiJimmy.
Jimmy:
Oh.Hi,N-N-Nancy.
Nancy:
Iwashopingwewouldstudyforthespellingtesttomorrow.
Jimmy:
Oh.Surething.Comeonin.
Dad:
Ididn'tknowyouhadagirlfriend,Jim.
Jimmy:
Yeah,Dad.We'vebeengoingoutsincewemetinFreePeriodlastweek.
Dad:
I'llleaveyoutwoalone.[reachesforthedoor,butstops]Y-yousureyouweren'tmasturbating,Jim?
It'sokayifyouwere.
Jimmy:
Dad,JesusC-Christ!
Dad:
Okaythen.[theylookateachother]
[Abasketballcourt,day.Theboystaketurnshootinghoops,butnoneofthemmakeabasket.Cartmanwaddlesintoviewinhishandicappedgetup]
Cartman:
Drrrrrreydrrrrrrrey.[theboysstopandlook]Heyguys,what'sgoingon?
Drrrrrt.
Kyle:
[lowvoice]Goddamnyou!
Cartman:
Yousee,gentlemen?
TheSpecialOlympicsChampionshipandmyonethousanddollarsisjustfourdaysaway.[Thismeansit'sTuesdayprior]I'mgoingtogosignupnow.
Kyle:
Noyou'renot!
[whipsoutthebrochure]Ireadthebrochure,Cartman!
Ifyou'reundereighteen,youhavetohaveaparentwithyoutosignupfortheSpecialOlympics.
Cartman:
What?
?
[takesthebrochurebackfromKyle]
Kyle:
Itsaysrightthere"aparenthastobewithyoutosignup,"andyou'llnevergetyourmomtoagreetosomethingsohorrible,soHA!
[grinsconfidently.Cartmanlooksathim,thenatthebrochureandreads]
[Cartman'shouse,later.Lianeisatthekitchentablepayingbills.Cartmanwalksinfromthediningroom.Heputshisarmsbehindhisback]
Cartman:
Moooommmmm?
Liane:
Yes,hon?
[beginswritingacheck]
Cartman:
Um,couldIgetyoutodosomethingforme?
Liane:
What'sthat,hon?
Cartman:
Um,okay.Thisisgoin'tasoundalittlestrange.Um,but,stickwithme.Um,moommm?
Wouldyoumindcomingwithmetosign
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