A Grief Observed.docx
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A Grief Observed.docx
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AGriefObserved
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FOREWORD
byMadeleineL'Engle
WhenAGriefObservedwasfirstpublishedunderthepseudonymofN.W.Clerkitwasgivenmebyafriend,andIreaditwithgreatinterestandconsiderabledistance.Iwasinthemiddleofmyownmarriage,withthreeyoungchildren,andalthoughIfeltgreatsympathyforC.S.Lewisinhisgriefoverthedeathofhiswife,atthattimeitwassofarfrommyownexperiencethatIwasnotdeeplymoved.
Manyyearslater,afterthedeathofmyhusband,anotherfriendsentmeAGriefObservedandIreadit,expectingtobefarmoreimmediatelyinvolvedthanIhadonthefirstreading.Partsofthebooktouchedmedeeply,butonthewholemyexperienceofgriefandLewis'swereverydifferent.Foronething,whenC.S.LewismarriedJoyDavid-man,shewasinthehospital.Heknewthathewasmarryingawomanwhowasdyingofcancer.Andeventhoughtherewastheunexpectedremission,andsomegoodyearsofreprieve,hisexperienceofmarriagewasonlyataste,comparedtomyownmarriageoffortyyears.Hehadbeeninvitedtothegreatfeastofmarriageandthebanquetwasrudelysnatchedawayfromhimbeforehehaddonemorethansamplethehorsd'oeuvres.
AndtoLewisthatsuddendeprivationbroughtaboutabrieflossoffaith."WhereisGod?
...Gotohimwhenyourneedisdesperate,whenallotherhelpisvain,andwhatdoyoufind?
Adoorslammedinyourface."
Thedeathofaspouseafteralongandfulfillingmarriageisquiteadifferentthing.PerhapsIhaveneverfeltmorecloselythestrengthofGod'spresencethanIdidduringthemonthsofmyhusband'sdyingandafterhisdeath.Itdidnotwipeawaythegrief.Thedeathofabelovedisanamputation.Butwhentwopeoplemarry,eachonehastoacceptthatoneofthemwilldiebeforetheother.WhenC.S.LewismarriedJoyDavidman,itwasaprettycertainexpectationthatshewoulddiefirst,unlesstherewasanunexpectedaccident.Hemovedintomarriagewithanimminentexpectationofdeath,inanextraordinarywitnessofloveandcourageandpersonalsacrifice.Whereasadeathwhichcomesafterafullmarriageandareasonablelifespanispartofthewholeamazingbusinessofbeingbornandlovingandlivinganddying.
ReadingAGriefObservedduringmyowngriefmademeunderstandthateachexperienceofgriefisunique.Therearealwayscertainbasicsimilarities:
Lewismentionsthestrangefeelingoffear,theneedingtoswallow,theforgetfulness.Perhapsallbelievingpeoplefeel,likeLewis,ahorrorofthosewhosayofanytragedy,"Thywillbedone,"asthoughaGodofloveneverwillsanythingbutgoodforuscreatures.Heshowsimpatiencewiththosewhotrytopretendthatdeathisunimportantforthebeliever,animpatiencewhichmostofusfeel,nomatterhowstrongourfaith.AndC.S.LewisandIshare,too,thefearofthelossofmemory.Nophotographcantrulyrecallthebeloved'ssmile.Occasionallyaglimpseofsomeonewalkingdownthestreet,someonealive,moving,inaction,willhitwithapangofgenuinerecollection.Butourmemories,preciousthoughtheyare,stillarelikesieves,andthememoriesinevitablyleakthrough.
LikeLewis,I,too,keptajournal,continuingahabitstartedwhenIwaseight.Itisallrighttowallowinone'sjournal;itisawayofgettingridofself-pityandself-indulgenceandself-centered-ness.Whatweworkoutinourjournalswedon'ttakeoutonfamilyandfriends.IamgratefultoLewisforthehonestyofhisjournalofgrief,becauseitmakesitquiteclearthatthehumanbeingisallowedtogrieve,thatitisnormal,itisrighttogrieve,andtheChristianisnotdeniedthisnaturalresponsetoloss.AndLewisasksquestionsthatweallask:
wheredothosewelovegowhentheydie?
Lewiswritesthat"Ihavealwaysbeenabletoprayforthedead,andIstilldo,withsomeconfidence.ButwhenItrytoprayforH[ashecallsJoyDavidmaninthisjournal],Ihalt."AndthisfeelingIwellunderstand.Thebelovedissomuchapartofourselvesthatwedonothavetheperspectiveofdistance.Howdoweprayforwhatispartofourownheart?
Wedon'thaveanypatanswers.Thechurchisstillpre-Copernicaninitsattitudetowardsdeath.Themedievalpictureofheavenandhellhasn'tbeenreplacedwithanythingmorerealistic,ormoreloving.PerhapsforthosewhoareconvincedthatonlyChristiansoftheirownwayofthinkingaresavedandwillgotoheaven,theoldideasarestilladequate.Butformostofus,whoseeaGodofamuchwiderandgreaterlovethanthatofthetribalGodwhoonlycaresforhisownlittlegroup,moreisneeded.Andthatmoreisaleapoffaith,anassurancethatthatwhichhasbeencreatedwithloveisnotgoingtobeabandoned.Lovedoesnotcreateandthenannihilate.ButwhereJoyDavidmanisnow,orwheremyhusbandis,nopriest,nominister,notheologiancanputintothelimitedtermsofprovablefact.
"Don'ttalktomeabouttheconsolationsofreligion,"Lewiswrites,"orIshallsuspectthatyoudonotunderstand."
Forthetrueconsolationsofreligionarenotrosyandcozy,butcom-fortinginthetruemeaningofthatword:
com-fort:
withstrength.Strengthtogoonliving,andtotrustthatwhateverJoyneeds,oranyonewelovewhohasdiedneeds,isbeingtakencareofbythatLovewhichbeganitall.LewisrightlyrejectsthosewhopiouslytellhimthatJoyishappynow,thatsheisatpeace.Wedonotknowwhathappensafterdeath,butIsuspectthatallofusstillhaveagreatdealtolearn,andthatlearningisnotnecessarilyeasy.Jungsaidthatthereisnocomingtolifewithoutpain,andthatmaywellbetrueofwhathappenstousafterdeath.Theimportantthingisthatwedonotknow.Itisnotintherealmofproof.Itisintherealmoflove.
Iamgrateful,too,toLewisforhavingthecouragetoyell,todoubt,tokickatGodwithangryviolence.Thisisapartofhealthygriefnotoftenencouraged.ItishelpfulindeedthatC.S.LewiswhohasbeensuchasuccessfulapologistforChristianityshouldhavethecouragetoadmitdoubtaboutwhathehassosuperblyproclaimed.Itgivesuspermissiontoadmitourowndoubts,ourownangersandanguishes,andtoknowthattheyarepartofthesoul'sgrowth.
SoLewisshareshisowngrowthandhisowninsights."Bereavementisnotthetruncationofmarriedlovebutoneofitsregularphases—likethehoneymoon.Whatwewantistoliveourmarriagewellandfaithfullythroughthatphase,too."Yes,thatisthecallingofeitherhusbandorwifeaftertheotherhasdied.
Ihavepicturesofmyhusbandinmystudy,inmybedroom,now,afterhisdeathasIhadthemaroundwhilehewasalive,buttheyareicons,notidols;tinyflashesofreminders,notthingsinthemselves,and,asLewissays,sometimesablockratherthanahelptothememory."Allrealityisiconoclastic,"hewrites."Theearthlybeloved,eveninthislife,incessantlytriumphsoveryourmereideaofher.Andyouwantherto;youwantherwithallherresistances,allherfaults,allherunexpectedness....Andthis,notanimageormemory,iswhatwearetolovestill,aftersheisdead."
Andthatismoreimportantthanvisitationsfromthedead,thoughLewisdiscussesthepossibilityofthese.Intheend,whatshinesthroughthelastpagesofhisjournalofgriefisanaffirmationoflove,hisloveforJoyandhersforhim,andthatloveisinthecontextofGod'slove.
Noeasyorsentimentalcomfortsareoffered,buttheultimatepurposeofGod'sloveforallofushumancreaturesislove.ReadingAGriefObservedistosharenotonlyinC.S.Lewis'sgrief,butinhisunderstandingoflove,andthatisrichnessindeed.
CrosswicksAugust,1988
AGriefObserved
I
Nooneevertoldmethatgrieffeltsolikefear.Iamnotafraid,butthesensationislikebeingafraid.Thesameflutteringinthestomach,thesamerestlessness,theyawning.Ikeeponswallowing.
Atothertimesitfeelslikebeingmildlydrunk,orconcussed.Thereisasortofinvisibleblanketbetweentheworldandme.Ifindithardtotakeinwhatanyonesays.Orperhaps,hardtowanttotakeitin.Itissouninteresting.YetIwanttheotherstobeaboutme.Idreadthemomentswhenthehouseisempty.Ifonlytheywouldtalktooneanotherandnottome.
Therearemoments,mostunexpectedly,whensomethinginsidemetriestoassuremethatIdon'treallymindsomuch,notsoverymuch,afterall.Loveisnotthewholeofaman'slife.IwashappybeforeIevermetH.I'veplentyofwhatarecalled'resources.'Peoplegetoverthesethings.Come,Ishan'tdosobadly.Oneisashamedtolistentothisvoicebutitseemsforalittletobemakingoutagoodcase.Thencomesasuddenjabofred-hotmemoryandallthis'commonsense'vanisheslikeanantinthemouthofafurnace.
Onthereboundonepassesintotearsandpathos.Maudlintears.Ialmostpreferthemomentsofagony.Theseareatleastcleanandhonest.Butthebathofself-pity,thewallow,theloathsomesticky-sweetpleasureofindulgingit—thatdisgustsme.AndevenwhileI'mdoingitIknowitleadsmetomisrepresentH.herself.GivethatmooditsheadandinafewminutesIshallhavesubstitutedfortherealwomanameredolltobeblubberedover.ThankGodthememoryofherisstilltoostrong(willitalwaysbetoostrong?
)toletmegetawaywithit.
ForH.wasn'tlikethatatall.Hermindwaslitheandquickandmuscularasaleopard.Passion,tendernessandpainwereallequallyunabletodisarmit.Itscentedthefirstwhiffofcantorslush;thensprang,andknockedyouoverbeforeyouknewwhatwashappening.Howmanybubblesofmineshepricked!
IsoonlearnednottotalkrottoherunlessIdiditfort
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