1、高考英语写作实例评析高考英语写作实例评析2009高考基础写作：你是校报小记者，最近进行了一次采访。以下是这次采访的情况: 时间: 上周末对象: 眼科医生（eye-doctor）王教授主题: 我国中小学生近视（short-sightedness）问题基本信息: （1）发生率: 略高于50（2）人数: 世界第一专家解读: （1）原因: 很复杂（2）治疗: 没有哪一种药物能治愈近视（3）建议: 不要过度用眼；多参加户外活动（4）特别提示: 如何握笔也和近视有关 写作内容根据以上情况写一篇采访报道，并包括如下内容: 1. 采访的时间、对象和主题；2. 中小学生近视的发生率及人数；3. 专家解读。 写作
2、要求只能使用5个句子表达全部内容。 评分标准句子结构准确，信息内容完整，篇章结构连贯。基础写作参考范文 Last weekend, I had an interview with Professor Wang, an eye-doctor, about the issue of short-sightedness of the school children in China. According to Professor Wang, slightly more than half of the school children in our country are short-sighted,
3、 which ranks the first in the world. He also pointed that the causes for short-sightedness are so complicated that no medicine can cure short-sightedness. So he suggested that school children avoid overuse of their eyes and do more outdoor activities. He particularly reminded us that how to hold a p
4、en is also related to short-sightedness.基础写作例1Last weekend, we conducted an interview for Dr. Wang, an eye-doctor about the problem of short-sightedness among students in China. According to the latest reports, the short-sightedness rate is a little over 50% while the number of short-sighted student
5、s ranks the top place throughout the world. In Dr. Wangs opinion, the causes of this disease are complicated and theres no medicine for short-sightedness treatment now. He also gave advices like avoiding over-use of eyes and taking more outdoor activities. Besides, a special tip is that short-sighte
6、dness is related to how you hold your pen.得分点：1. 分数评定：本文12分。2. 语言运用：语言运用能力较好；语法和句子结构准确性较好，虽然存在一些语法结构或词汇方面的错误，但不影响理解。能较好的使用中学阶段学习到的一些词汇、短语和句型。主要一些得分的亮点如下：准确使用了短语：conduct an interview；表示对比的词汇while；表示人数世界第一的表达 the number of ranks the top place throughout the world.表示原因复杂的表达： the causes of are complicat
7、ed；在介词后面正确使用动名词词组： advice like avoiding and taking；正确使用名词性从句中的表语从句： a special tip is that；正确使用短语be related to。3. 写作内容：包括了所有信息内容。没有出现错漏现象，能全面传达题目要求的内容，表达清楚、到位。4. 文章连贯：内容连贯性比较好，而且结构比较紧凑。在文中能使用“also”、“Besides”等词准确表达意思的递进。失分点：语言运用：存在一些语法结构或词汇方面的错误，虽不影响理解，但表明该生在语言运用中仍存在个别问题。表现如下：标点符号：同位语an eye-doctor 后面应
8、该使用逗号分隔，使意思表达更清楚；单复数：“According to the latest reports”中的“report”应用单数；advice为不可数名词，文中用错作复数；表达不够地道：“theres no medicine for short-sightedness treatment”，建议改为：theres no medicine to cure it.启示与提高：一、在高考作文备考中建议重视书写的训练，如果本文书写更优美，让读者有赏心悦目的感觉，会给改卷老师留下更好的第一印象。二、学习使用更丰富的词汇、短语和句型使文章表达更上一层楼。例2Last weekend. I inte
9、rviewed Professor Wang. a professional eye-doctor, about the problem on short-sightedness of senior and primary school students in China. Basically, the taking-place percentage of the problem is a little higher than 50% and the number of students who are short-sighted ranks the first in the world. A
10、s the professor explained, the cause of the problem was complicated. As there wasnt any medicine that can cure short-sightedness, the professor suggested that students should avoid using their eyes too much and participate in outdoor activities more. Especially, Mr Wang pointed out that how a person
11、 holding pens was ralited to short-sightedness （，）too.得分点：1. 分数评定：本文12分。2. 语言运用：语言运用能力较好；语法和句子结构准确性较好，语言表达较为丰富，虽然存在一些语法结构或词汇方面的错误，但不影响理解。能较好的使用中学阶段学习到的一些词汇、短语和句型。主要一些得分的亮点如下：正确使用同位语：Professor Wang, a professional eye-doctor正确使用简单的限制性定语从句：students who are short-sighted 和any medicine that can cure sho
12、rt-sightedness ；正确使用非限制性定语从句：As the professor explained, the cause of the problem was complicated.正确使用宾语从句并注意虚拟语气：the professor suggested that students should avoid正确使用短语：rank the first in the world, participate in, point out, avoid doing something。3. 写作内容：包括了所有信息内容。无信息错漏，能全面传达题目要求的内容，表达清楚、到位。4. 文章连
13、贯：能按安排题目要求的顺序安排所有内容，逻辑结构没有出现大的错误。失分点：语言运用：存在一些语法结构或词汇方面的小错误，虽不影响理解，但表明该生在语言运用中仍存在问题。表现如下： 介词使用 不当：the problem on,表达带有母语痕迹：the taking-place percentage is使用复杂的从句出错：pointed out that how a person holding pens was单词拼写错误：ralited（related）启示与提高：1. 书写字母的主体大小起码应占作文行距的一半或以上，以免造成辨别困难。2. 标点符号的书写也要注意，逗号、顿号、句号等要写清
14、楚。3. 扎实提高句子的结构分析水平，避免写复杂从句的“迷失方向”。要清楚知道一个句子，无论是主句还是从句，都要有自己的谓语动词。4. 词汇、短语、句型的使用可以更丰富。例3Last weekend, I had an interview with a famous eye-doctor, professor Wang, discussing the problem of short-sightedness among Chinese middle school and primary schools. Id like to report the situation to you all. I
15、n China, a little more than 50% students of middle school and primary schools suffers from short-sightedness, which is the largest sum throughout the world. According to professor Wang, the cause of short-sightedseeing is complicated and there is no medicine that can deal with this problem in todays
16、 society. Additionally. Wang have especially mentioned the way of holding pen is relative to short-sightedseeing and he suggested that students should not use their eyes too much while outdoor activities is benificial.得分点：1. 分数评定：本文14分。2. 语言运用：具有很好的语言运用能力；语法和句子结构准确性高，努力使用从句和短语等使文章的语言表达生动，虽然存在一些词汇和搭配
17、方面的错误，但不影响理解。能较好的使用中学阶段学习到的一些词汇、短语和句型。主要一些得分的亮点如下：正确使用同位语：a famous eye-doctor, professor Wang,；努力使用现在分词表伴随：discussing the problem；正确使用非限制性定语从句：, which is is the largest；正确使用限制性定语从句：no medicine that can deal with适当地使用了学过的词汇、短语和搭配使文章更出彩：suffer from，the cause of，the way of holding，deal with，be relative
18、 to ，benificial(beneficial)。3. 写作内容：包括了所有信息内容。能全面传达题目要求的内容，表达清楚。4. 文章连贯：内容连贯，结构紧凑。文章充分注意到思路的清晰表达和行文的逻辑关系。注意使用从句和关联词等使文章的层次结构更清晰。如表达递进的等Additionally.。失分点： 1. 语言运用：忽略主谓一致：50% studentssuffers from，Wang have；自制单词：short-sightedseeing。2. 写作内容：文中有一句话的意思表达没有必要，却占用了一个句子：Id like to reprot the situation to you
19、 all.启示与提高：1. 注意细节问题，尽量避免小错误。2. 应该清楚基础写作中的每一句话都要传递题目要求的主要内容，慎用每一个句子进行到位的表达。例4Last weekend, I called on Dr. Wang, who is a well-known eye-doctor, on the condition of short-sightedness among primary and middle school students. Its a little more than a half of the students are confirmed to be short-sig
20、hted and the number of them is the largest around the world. Dr. Wang told us that no medicine was found to cure the short-sightedness because it may be caused by various reasons. To prevent ourself from being short-sighted, we should have more our-door activities and use our eyes reasonably. At las
21、t, Dr. Wang reminded us specially that they way you hold your pen may affect your eyes and cause short-sightedness.得分点：1. 分数评定：本文14分。2. 语言运用：具有很好的语言运用能力；语法和句子结构准确性高，努力使用短语搭配等使文章的语言表达生动，虽然存在一些词汇和搭配方面的错误，但不影响理解。能较好的使用中学阶段学习到的一些词汇、短语和句型。主要一些得分的亮点如下：正确使用非限制性定语从句：Dr. Wang, who is a well-known eye-doctor,
22、 ；正确使用宾语从句：Dr. Wang told us that, reminded us that；正确使用非谓语动词不定式表目的：To prevent；适当而正确使用被动是语言表达更丰富：no medicine was found to, it may be caused by。 3. 写作内容：包括了所有信息内容。能全面传达题目要求的内容，表达清楚到位。4. 文章连贯：内容连贯，结构紧凑。文章充分注意到思路的清晰表达和行文的逻辑关系。使用相关词汇和关联词等使文章的逻辑关系更清晰。如：表示目的的不定式结构To prevent，和表示时间先后的At last,等。失分点：语言运用：错用词组：
23、on the condition of；句子结构出错一个句子中出现多个谓语动词：Its a little more than a half of the students are confirmed to，应该把its 去掉。单词拼写错误：ourself(ourselves).启示与提高：1. 充分注意细节问题，尽量避免单词拼写等小的错漏。2. 认真学习“句子成分”语法专题，建构清晰的句子结构概念，避免出现一个句子多个谓语的情况。例5The growing rate of short-sightedness among students inspired me to take an inter
24、view with an eye-doctor Dr. Wang about short-sightedness amony primary and middle school students. From the interview I have learned that the short-sightedness rate is a litter higher than 50%, ranking the first place in the world. Experts explained the causes of short-sightedness were very complica
25、ted and no medicine could cure short-sightedness. It is adviced that students should not use their eyes excessively and it would be of great help to take part in ourdoor activities more. Also, it showed that holding pens correctly helps to reduce the rate of short-sightedness.得分点：1. 分数评定：本文15分。2. 语言
26、运用：具有很好的语言运用能力；语法和句子结构准确性高，努力使用短语搭配等使文章的语言表达生动，虽然存在少许单词拼写的小错误，但不影响理解。能较好的使用中学阶段学习到的一些词汇、短语和句型。整篇文章读起来自然流畅、思路清晰、表达到位，而且表述生动丰富，给读者留下很好的印象。主要一些得分的亮点如下：正确使用宾语从句：I have learned that, it showed that；正确使用主语从句：It is adviced that；正确使用非谓语动词现在分词表伴随：ranking the first place；正确使用丰富的词汇及短语搭配使文章表达更生动：inspired me to,
27、 rank the first place, complicated, excessively, be of great help, take part in, 等；现在分词短语做主语：holding pens correctly helps to。3. 写作内容：包括了所有信息内容。能全面传达题目要求的内容，表达清楚到位。4. 文章连贯：内容连贯，结构紧凑。文章充分注意到思路的清晰表达和行文的逻辑关系。使用关联词等使文章的逻辑关系更清晰。如表示递进关系的Also等。失分点：单词拼写错误：amony(among), litter(little), ourdoor(outdoor)启示与提高：保
28、持这样的写作思路和表达思维，坚持进行训练，注意单词拼写等细节，必会越写越好。读写任务例1（20分）Koalas in the park are annoyed, because they are constantly kept awake during daytime, when they are supposed to sleep without any disdurbance. This practice is now announced illegal, for visitors who awake koalas only to entertain themselves bother k
29、oalas a lot.This phenomenon is quite common among the zoos. Most of the city dwellers hardly have any opportunities to get close to the nature, especially those lovely animals they adore. Thus, many zoos seize this chance to make a profit by letting tourists take photos with animals kept in the zoos
30、. Tourists hold on to the idea that this practice enables them to get to know the animals habits.However, this seeming beneficial practice actually exerts a negative impact on animals. If I am in the situation those animals are forced with, I will feel anxious and in deep misery, because all my habi
31、ts are totally disturb by humans. They continuously interrupt my sleep, invade my territory and make dump rubbish everywhere.So deer friends, just try to view this practice from a different angle, imaging you are those poor animals, you may find your behavior so ridiculous. As I believe, a law to ba
32、n the practice allowing visitors taking pictures with animals is indispensable. Human should no longer destroy the animals routine, but instead, make our great efforts to protect their habitats and habits.Animals are our friends. Instead of being their enemy, be kind and helpful to them, and they are going to share this nice planet with us
