1、英语笑话和谜语1.小明上英文课时跟老师说：May I go to the toilet? 老师说：Go ahead. 小明就坐了下来。过了一会儿，小明又跟老师说： May I go to the toilet? 老师说：Go ahead. 小明又坐了下来。他旁边的同学于是忍不住问：你不是跟老师说要上厕所吗？怎么不去？ 小明说：你没听老师说“去你个头”啊！2.英语老师问一个学生，“How old are you是什么意思”学生想How 是怎么， you是你，于是回答“怎么是你？”老师生气又问另一个同学：“How old are you ?是什么意思？”这个同学想了想说：“怎么老是你?”3.一位在
2、美的留学生，想要考国际驾照。在考试时因为过于紧张，看到地上标线是向左转。 他不放心的问道:Turn left？ 监考官回答：Right。于是他立刻向右转 很抱歉，他只有下次再来。4.小明刻苦学习英语，终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞，忙说：I am sorry. 老外应道：I am sorry too. 小明听后又道：I am sorry three. 老外不解，问：What are you sorry for? 小明无奈，道：I am sorry five. 5. 校长和英语老师一起去外国某中学访问，校长在礼堂讲话，英语老师做翻译。校长：“各位老师们，同学们！”英语老师：“Ladies a
3、nd gentlemen！”校长：“各位女士们，先生们！”英语老师-_-！想了下说：“Good morning！”校长：“早上好！”英语老师： =” foreigner who is at his first time to China want to buy a ,he came into a store.老外：Excuse me,I want to buy a pen?售货员:What?盆？Ok（售货员立刻拿出几个盆，老外一看皱了眉头）老外：No!No!(售货员也急了)售货员：盆子不漏！盆子不漏！7.一位法国的老太太进纽约城看儿子，想去商店买只母鸡。结果，走到商店门口，竟忘了母鸡用英文怎样
4、表达了，于是老太太：I want to buy cocks wife.售货员：？老太太：So,I want to buy chickens mother.售货员：Oh，my god!8.一家山西人在唐人街开了家餐馆，儿子当服务生，老妈管收钱，老爸做大厨。 一天，店里来了个老外，点了个套餐，吃到一半，“咣当”，把汤碗打了。 儿子跑过去看了一下，说“碗打了！” 老外想：“One dollar ”(1美元)老妈听见声音，也过来看，见地上有个破碗，问：“谁打的？” 老外想：“Three dollar？”(3美元)儿子说：“他打的！”老外想：“Ten dollar?!”(10美元) 老妈又说：“还得打一
5、碗！”老外想：“Hundred and one?!?!”(101美元) 老爸正在厨房切菜，听见外面的声音，赶忙跑出来看怎么回事。忙乱中，忘了把菜刀放下。 老爸手持菜刀站在餐厅里，老外一看，心跳加速，但更让他心碎加崩溃的是老爸的话。 老爸对着正在加热炉上舀汤的儿子说：“烫，少盛点儿！”老外：“Ten thousand”(10000美元) 老外以惊人的速度从口袋中掏出钱包，把里面所有的钱倒在了桌上，然后像刘翔一样往门口狂奔9.中国人在纽约驾车遇到红灯，于是刹车停下等，结果只听“嘭”的一声！后面老外的车没刹住车撞上了，于是交警来了，先问老外是什么情况，老外于是指手画脚地说了好一阵，然后警察问中国人是
6、什么情况，中国人从容地往前一指：“Red!，右脚一伸：“Stop!”，两手一张耸耸肩：“Bomb！”。事情很快按照程序解决，警察处理中竖起大拇指称赞遇到的非英语母语的外国人中，中国人说明事情经过最明白：中国人英语最棒了！10.一位中国学生在美国加州目睹了一起交通事故，由于好奇，一直没有离开，警察来了以后问他知不知道事情的经过。he said ：one car come one car go，two car peng peng， one car die。 11.一日, 到加拿大认识一白人,于是想要人家电话号码,日后做朋友, 于是问:How many is your phone number?白人
7、说:Ten. (加拿大号码是十位的)12.有一对外国老夫妇到内蒙古农村这里住了下来。因为村里的人无法和他们交流，老夫妇很寂寞，就养了一只猫。一天早上，老夫妇正梳理猫毛，一个人从旁边过来，冲着俩人说“鼓捣猫呢”。夫妇俩随即冲着来人说：“Goodmorning.”傍晚时分，二人正在把晾在外边的衣服收起来，路过的一个村民冲着他们说：“鼓捣衣服呢！”二人这回反应很快说：“Goodevening.”私下里老夫妇俩感叹，他们这里的人都会说英语呀13.一天，叁个神箭手约在一起比箭，目标是仆人头上的苹果。A神箭手挽弓长射，咻一声，利箭正中苹果。A高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大 拇指道：I am 后羿！B神箭手照本
8、宣科，射中苹果，这回他自大的喊了一句：I am 丘比特！轮到C了，他也挽弓，利箭射出！ 结果正中仆人的心脏。就听他结结巴巴好久才吐出一句：I.I.I.am.sorry. 14.小强去看电影，到了电影售票处，发现一个老外和售票小姐连说带比得好半天，就自告奋勇的上前做翻译，售票小姐说：麻烦你告诉她，现在坐票售完了只剩下站 票，如果要看要站着看。 小强转头就对老外说：no sit see, stand see. if see stand see. 老外回答说：sorry I dont understand your English. 小强就对售票小姐说：哦，他说他不懂英文. Riddle Why i
9、s an empty purse always the same? There is no change in it. (零钱，变化)What is the smallest room in the world? Mushroom. (蘑菇) What kind of dog doesnt bite or bark? Hot dog. (热狗)Which can move faster, heat or cold? Heat, because you can catch cold. (追上冷，患感冒)Why is six afraid of seven? -Because seven eigh
10、t nine.Why do lions eat raw meat?-Because they never learn to cook.It is said among my people that some things are improved by death. Tell me, what stinks while living, but in death, smells good?-PigI know a word of letters three. Add two, and fewer there will be. - fewIf you break meI do not stop w
11、orking,If you touch meI may be snared,If you lose meNothing will HeartEach morning I appearTo lie at your feet,All day I will followNo matter how fast you run,Yet I nearly perishIn the midday ShadowMy life can be measured in hours,I serve by being , I am quickFat, I am slowWind is my candleI am seen
12、 in the waterIf seen in the sky,I am in the rainbow,A jays feather,And lapis blueTwo little brothers,One lives on one side,The other on the other side,They hear what you say,But they do not see each other.-ear1 A little boy asked his father: Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?The father rep
13、lied: I don t know son. I m still paying!一个小男孩问他的爸爸，结婚要花多少钱？爸爸说：我不知道，因为我仍然在付帐。 2 A Sunday school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad. Now, children, said she , has anyone of you ever make someone else glad? Please, teacher,said a small boy,Ive make someone glad yester
14、day. Well done. Who was that? My granny. Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad. Please, teacher, I went to see her yesterday, and stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, Granny, Im going home, and she said, Well, Im glad! 一个主日学校校(基督教教会为了向儿童灌输宗教思想, 在星期天开办的儿童班)的老师在对学生讲使别人高兴
15、的重要性。“现在，孩子们，”她说：“你们当中有谁让别人高兴过？” “我，老师，”一个小男孩说：“昨天我就使别人高兴过。” “做得好，是谁呢？” “我奶奶。” “好孩子。现在告诉我们，你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的。” “是这样的，老师。我昨天去看她，在她那儿呆了三个小时。然后我跟她说：奶奶，我要回家了。她说：啊，我很高兴！ 3 Dick was seven years old, and his sister, Catherine, was five. One day their mother took them to their aunts house to play while she went t
16、o the big city to buy some new clothes. The children played for an hour, and then at half past four their aunt took Dick into the kitchen. She gave him a nice cake and a knife and said to him, Now heres a knife, Dick. Cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister, but remember to d
17、o it like a gentleman. Like a gentleman? Dick asked. How do gentlemen do it? They always give the bigger piece to the other person. answered his aunt at once. Oh said Dick. He thought about this for a few seconds. Then he took the cake to his sister and said to her,Cut this cake in half, Catherine.
18、迪克年龄七岁，他的妹妹凯瑟琳五岁。一天，妈妈把他们带到姨妈家去玩，自己就到大城市去买些新的衣服。 孩子们玩了个把小时，在四点半的时候，姨妈领着迪克走进了厨房。她交给迪克一块精美的蛋糕和一把刀子，并对他说：“喏，迪克，给你刀子，把这块蛋糕一切为二，给你妹妹一块。不过，你得记住要做得像一个绅士那样。” 迪克问：“像一个绅士？绅士怎样做呢？” 他姨妈马上回答说：“绅士总是把大的一块让给别人的。” 迪克说了一声“噢”。他对此想了一会，然后，他把蛋糕拿给妹妹，并对她说：“凯瑟琳，你来把这块蛋糕一切为二吧。” 4 Stan: I won 92 goldfish. Fred: Where are you g
19、oing to keep them? Stan: In the bathroom 。 Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath? Stan: Blindfold them! 斯丹：我赢了 92 条金鱼。 弗雷德：你想在哪儿养它们？ 斯丹：浴室。 弗雷德：但是你想洗澡时怎么办？ 斯丹：蒙住它们的眼睛！ 5 George knocked on the door of his friends house. When his friends mother answered he asked, “can Albert come out
20、 to play? ” “ No,” said the mother, “its too cold. ” “ Well, then, ” said George, “ can his football come out to play ? ” 乔冶敲着他朋友家的门。当朋友的妈妈来应门时，他问：“阿尔伯特可以出来玩吗？ ” “ 不行， ” 那位妈妈说， “ 天气太冷了。 ” “ 噢，那么， ” 乔冶， “ 他的足球可以出来玩吗？ 参考资料： 回答者： 莲池风声 | 一级 | 2007-5-15 20:04 1)TOMS EXCUSE Teacher: Tom, why are you late
21、for school every day? Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, School-Go Slow. 汤姆的借口 老师：汤姆，您为什么每天上学迟到？ 汤姆：我每次路过拐角，一个路标上面写着：学校-慢行。 DID YOUR DAD. 2)Tom call Jims name:I cant bear such a foolish! and Jim say:You mother could (bear)! 汤姆对着吉姆骂道:我受不了你这个苯蛋了! 吉姆说:你妈妈能! 附:bear 有两重意思:生和忍受这个笑话正是根据这点.
22、3)Tom call Jims name:I cant bear such a foolish! and Jim say:You mother could (bear)! 汤姆对着吉姆骂道:我受不了你这个苯蛋了! 吉姆说:你妈妈能! 附:bear 有两重意思:生和忍受这个笑话正是根据这点. 4)A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: God, what is a million dollars to you? and God says: A penny, then the man says: God, what is a
23、 million years to you? and God says: a second, then the man says: God, can I have a penny? and God says In a second 一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?上帝回答:一便士.男子又问:那一百万年呢?上帝说:一秒钟.最后男子请求道:上帝,我能得到一便士吗?上帝回答:过一秒钟. 5)Mother sent Tommy to the store across the street to buy a good box of Tommy came back,mot
24、her asked him,”Did you buy a good box of matches?” “Yes,Mum.”Tommy replied,”I have tried them all.” 一盒小火柴 妈妈让汤米去马路对面的商店里买一盒好用的火柴。汤米回来后，妈妈问他，“你买的是好用的火柴吗？” “是的，妈妈。”汤米回答，“我把它们都试过了。” 6)Father:Uh,oh,I think I just made an illegal right-hand turn. Susie:That is okay ,dad,the policeman behind you just did
25、the same thing! 开车 父亲：哎呀，我刚才违规右转弯了。 苏西：没事，爸，跟在你后面的警察也这么转了。 7)Little Robert asked his mother for tow cents.”What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?” “I gave it to a poor old woman,”he answered. “Youer a good boy,”said the mother proudly.”Here are tow cents why are you so interested in th
26、e old woman?” “She is the one who sells the candy.” 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 “昨天给你的钱干什么了？” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆。”他回答说。“你真是一个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说. “再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。” 8)Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked,”What happened?” “A kid bit me,”replied Ivan. “Would you recognize him if you sew h
27、im again?”asked his mother. “Id know him any where,”said Ivan.”I have his ear in my pocket.” 他的耳朵在我的衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？” “一个男孩咬了我一口。”伊凡说。 “再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说，“他的耳朵还在我的衣兜里。” 9)Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is w
28、hich? Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer. Teacher: Please tell us. Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. 两只鸟 老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？ 学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。 老师：请说说看。 学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。 回答者： 我爱芳芳和菲菲 | 一级 | 2007-5-20 08:18 1 A little b
29、oy asked his father: Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?The father replied: I don t know son. I m still paying!一个小男孩问他的爸爸，结婚要花多少钱？爸爸说：我不知道，因为我仍然在付帐。 2 A Sunday school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad. Now, children, said she , has anyone of you ever make s
30、omeone else glad? Please, teacher,said a small boy,Ive make someone glad yesterday. Well done. Who was that? My granny. Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad. Please, teacher, I went to see her yesterday, and stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, Granny, Im going home, and she said, Well, Im glad! 一个主日学校校(基督教教会为了向儿童灌输宗教思想, 在星期天开办的儿童班)的老师在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。“现在，孩子们，”她说：“你们当中有谁让别人高兴过？” “我，老师，”一个小男孩说：“昨天我就使别人高兴过。” “做得好，是谁呢？” “我奶奶。” “好孩子。现在告诉我们，你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的。” “是这样的，老师。我昨天去看她，在她那儿呆了三个小时。然后我跟她说：奶奶
